Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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