I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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