He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
