So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
