she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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