hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
