omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
