Umm I'm too high to move.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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