a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
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Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating