did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
