Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize