farters have to be the big spoon...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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