No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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