i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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