i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize