Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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