proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We are all done wearing pants today
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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