It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.