We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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