Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
