Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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