thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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