Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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