If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
