Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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