ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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