he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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