I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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