I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Green mimosas i think yes
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
