So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
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3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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