I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish I only lived at night.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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