why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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