I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
