Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
