just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
