know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
