what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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