apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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