I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
