You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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