Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
