Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
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I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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