Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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