You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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