get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.