can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
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you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
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I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home