i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
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I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
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Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.