If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
