I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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