I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"