You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
