I want to make a zoo with you.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
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Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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